Desolation
by dijurido
Summary: You'd think after 80 years everything would be as set as stone. Bella struggles with something she thought was never possible. One Shot!


Title: Desolation  
Tag Line: You'd think after 80 years everything would be as set as stone.  
Synopsis: Bella has been turned, but Breaking Dawn hadn't taken place. Little did she know her world would be turned upside down on one day in purgatory.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its character SMeyer does.

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I had been a vampire for 80 years already and had the cleanest record a vampire could have. I had not killed a single human in that time. I was always smug about that fact but didn't boast it.

It was another rainy day in this gloomy town that we had picked to live. I was beginning to catch on to the purgatory effect that was high school. Edward sat next to me in of all things, Biology class. I couldn't help but smile when I thought of our first meeting. He held my hand lovingly as the professor drabbled on about some topic I'm sure I had heard a hundred times already. I let my focus lie out to the window watching the rain fall. Time never passed quick enough in high school as the clock ticked slowly.

"Bella, darling. Are you alright?"

Edward spoke low enough that no one sitting near us would have been able to detect any noise let alone the teacher in the front of the room. I turned and looked up into his beautiful face, worry and concern etched his dark onyx eyes. I smiled. No matter how long it has been Edward was always protective of me. He still knew how to dazzle me each time too.

"I'm fine. Just trying to pass the time."

I didn't think Edward was fully convinced but he gave me a reassuring smile anyway. We both pulled our eyes off of one another and I continued my gaze out the window.

"The answer Miss Swan?"

I was rarely called on in Biology, let alone any class for that matter. After so much time in school I was a tuned to nearly every high school subject, Biology definitely not being acceptation. The teachers never found it amusing that nothing could ever trick the Cullen family.

"Diploid, Sir."

He nodded and turned back to the board to continue his lecture. Edward squeezed my hand again as to signal I had done a good job. I looked out the window again and rolled my eyes but smiled.

"Don't think I missed that eye roll."

Edward's voice was right in my ear. If I could have blushed I certainly would have. I turned to rebuttal his statement when there was a knock at the door. The professor opened the door and there stood a boy soaked from head to toe. I felt pity for him; he reminded me of my human self when I first arrived to Forks.

"I'm sorry, so so sorry. I got lost. I really didn't mean to-"

The professor cut him off before he could continue.

"That's fine. Now please take your seat in the back. Miss Swan please let our newcomer in on what he's missed."

I silently cursed myself. This professor had some vendetta against me today, I knew it. The poor boy having to sit next to the two vampires in the whole class, it just was not his lucky day. He made his way to the back and trip on his shoe lace. He caught himself gracefully; something I always had failed to do in my human life and scurried to his seat next to mine. At that same moment Edward held my hand tighter, without a doubt I knew the boy was marveling at my inhuman beauty.

The kid stared up at me for a brief second before facing forward again. I knew I seemed intimidating and it was best if this kid left me alone. The newcomer reached down for his backpack and brought it on to his desk. A small current of air was created and drifted towards me.

I never expected what happened next.

My throat caught on fire, not just the normal thirst of hunger but something different. Something more. The boy began airing out his dampened clothes only to make a constant stream of air. It was a pure torture. I let go of Edward's hand and gripped the underside of my desk.

For a half of second I thought of the irony, I was now behaving exactly as Edward did when he met me.

The boy looked over at me again as I glared at him. His eyes widened with fear and quickly looked forward again. For the rest of the class he didn't try stealing a glance at me again.

I was swept up in this boy's scent. It was such a strange combination of mint, caramel and honey. It was so enticing at the same time. One little bit couldn't hurt, just one little taste. I was quickly jolted out of my fantasying when Edward grabbed my arm.

"Bella, please before you scare the boy to death."

I smile crept onto my lips, it would be easier to drain him if he were already dead, freshly dead. Edward squeezed my arm tighter breaking my thought as I looked up into his onyx eyes. I couldn't read the emotions pouring from them, there were too many for me to comprehend at the moment.

Much to my dismay the bell rang. Edward and I walked a little faster than human pace out of the classroom. We had one class left then the day would be done. Unfortunately we didn't have this class together.

We started walking towards the gym where my final class lay but something was different, Edward seemed angry.

"Honey, are you alright? Is something wrong?"

We had already made it to the entrance and had three minutes to kill before the bell would ring. He seemed like he had been contemplating something intensely. His focus been broken he looked down at me.

"Oh, I'm sorry love. I'm fine."

"Edward, I know you well enough to know when you're lying to me."

I knew he would have to tell me whatever he had been thinking now that I had called him out on it.

"It's just…You looked...I mean…I think you should hunt afterschool. Your eyes are dark."

He touched underneath my eyes where I knew that dark circles were beginning to become prominent. I had never seen him struggle for words before. Whatever he was keeping from me bothered him greatly but I didn't want to press the matter further at least not at this moment.

The bell rang and his kissed me quickly on the cheek before stating he would be back in the same spot to get me after class. I was mostly shocked that he kissed me on the cheek so swiftly; he hadn't done that in such a long time. I half heartedly smiled at him as I watched him walk off to his class. Something was up with Edward, and I could tell it was bad.

I gracefully entered the gym where I quickly discovered we were to watch a video on the safeties of various sports. I let out a small sigh, as if the day couldn't get any worse. And once again I spoke to soon as the new boy from Biology class was making his way up the bleachers. I prayed that he would sit no where near me; I didn't need another episode such as in the pervious class. Worst of all, I didn't have Edward with me this time.

Lucky for him and I he sat two rows down from me but the ventilation system granted me no mercy. It was another long hour while I daydreamed of all the things I could do to this boy. I could use my charm or like I say to Edward dazzle him and lure him to the forest outside the school. I could just attack him right here and it would be so quick no one would know. I couldn't help the smile that formed on my face during my little fantasies. The final bell rang and I darted out of the building. Surprisingly Edward was not waiting for me like he said he would. He had never done that before.

I didn't waste anytime though, being out in the cold autumn air helped me think clearer. I couldn't kill the boy; he had family and new friends, it would have been wrong for me to take his life. I did the first reasonable thing I could think of. I rushed over to the main office. I had to get my schedule switched. Edward would understand, or at least I hoped.

I walked in trying my best to 'dazzle' the secretary.

"Why hello dear anything I can do for you?"

"Yes, I was actually wondering if I could switch a few of my classes."

I secretly hoped this would work, if not I didn't know what I'd do.

"I'm sorry dear but all students are locked into their schedules as of last week."

I silently cursed myself until the door flew open and his scent hit me. It took everything I had not to kill him there.

"Okay, I understand. I'm sorry for bothering you; I can see I can't change my schedule."

As I stormed out of the office I caught glimpse of the boy who looked at me confused. I found a small resemblance of myself in the boy when I first saw Edward in the main office of my first day at Forks.

I was so wrapped up in my behavior I nearly crashed right into Edward. He held out his hands to stop me before I actually hit him.

"Oh! I'm sorry honey."

His still had that look of worry etched on his face.

"Bella, please go with Alice and hunt. You really need it."

He kissed me on the cheek again and left for his Volvo. Something was up, something I didn't know and it bothered me. Just at that moment Alice appeared excited for our alone time.

"This is going to be so much fun Bella! I can't wait, three days of fun! Maybe we'll stop by the mall and get a new outfit too! It'll be so much fun! Trust me!"

She was practically bouncing up and down for our adventure to begin. Just then she froze and that distant look I had become accustomed to formed on her face. I waited patiently for her to come back from her vision.

"Bella…"

Her voice was quiet and shaky. It bothered me; she never did that unless it was extremely disruptive.

"Alice! Alice!" I gently shook her as she was still not completely back. "Alice, it's okay. I'm here. I'm fine, everything will be fine."

That seemed to pull her back to the moment and she looked at me with widened eyes, but as quickly as she did she regained her composure.

"Oh, Bella! Let's get going right now!"

I smiled; whatever she just saw came and went.

"Okay as long as we can go home first."

Almost immediately Alice yelled no. I was a little shocked at her reaction; I thought maybe it had to do with her vision. Alice grabbed my arm and began to drag me towards Rose's car. I knew she was trying to get me to leave that instant but I didn't want to.

"Alice." I tried to keep my voice steady. "I'm not leaving until I say goodbye to Edward."

The expression on her face gave me the answer I needed.

"Don't you even dare."

She heeded as a warning but I was already headed to the forest at a normal human pace. When I hit the tree line I took off. Alice tried to follow but I quickly ditched her, she wasn't as fast as me. The only one who could ever catch me was Edward; he would always remain the fastest.

The house quickly came into view but I halted when I heard the mention of my name.

"…was acting weird today."

There was a pause and Edward's voice picked up again.

"Bella was acting the same way I was when I first met her."

I quickly put the pieces together and realized that Edward was having an almost silent conversation with Carlisle.

"That's what I fear, Carlisle."

Again there was a long pause. It was making me anxious to know what exactly they were discussing when it came to matters of myself.

"A singer? Carlisle, really? You don't think."

Edward was cut off and the silence once again consumed, but with this new information I could barely stay standing.

A singer? I could have a singer?

I didn't think it was possible. I only ever wanted one man in my life and that was Edward. After all I had been Edward's singer, my blood called to him unlike anything ever before. I was struck with fear and many questions began to arise.

What if I'm not strong enough to stay away from him? What if I ended up killing him? What would happen to all of us?

Then somehow my mind switched over to something I really didn't want to think about.

What if I can't stay away? What if I want to be around him? What if I become obsessed? What if I fell in love with him?

The last question was enough of a blow to send me falling to the ground. I began to sob quietly; I didn't need Edward to find out that I had overheard his conversation. It seemed as if Alice finally caught up to me. She threw herself over me hugging me in an awkward way.

"I'm so sorry Bells, we should have told you."

Through my sobs I managed to choke out, "You knew about this?"

At that moment I heard the front door open, I didn't need to look up I knew it was Edward standing at the porch. I stood up slowly adverting my eyes to the ground.

"It's okay Bella we won't be mad."

Alice's words soothed me as I nodded and ran from the house. I need to get away from the situation as quickly as possible. I didn't realize I had found my way into town, I was running through newly found nightfall upon houses that held no interest to me. I finally found what I was looking for.

It was a charming little house; it reminded me of the house I lived in at one time. I quickly climbed up the tree in the front yard and perched on the branch. I peeked inside and there was the boy that tortured me so intensely. I opened the window slowly and climbed in once I had it opened fully. For a moment I cursed myself for what I was doing but I could no longer deny it.

His blood called to me.

I walked to the foot of his bed when he mumbled in his sleep. I smiled. He was such like the human form of me. I did my best to keep my bloodlust at bay and for now I knew I could win.

"Isabella?"

I stood frozen. I had been caught. How was I to explain what I was doing in his room late at night! Luckily he rolled over and sighed. I rolled my eyes; he was probably having a dream about me.

"I don't think so, Edward."

I was amazed that this new kid seemed to know so much about the mysterious Cullens. But I'm sure someone had filled him in already on our dating and living arrangements, oh if only they really knew.

"Bella, I love you."

I was ripped from all thoughts as those words were muttered out of his mouth. He was a bold one, not even knowing me for a full day and already exclaiming love. Humans were so predictable like that.

"Bella get out of there."

I paused making sure I heard it correctly. I walked to the window and saw Edward looking up to the second story at me. His voice wasn't angry or tense; it was more pleading then anything.

"Please."

He again called to me. I shook my head and lifted my shield. I showed him Biology class and Gym class and all the events leading to this very moment. He stood silent taking it all in.

"Bella, you won't hurt him. I won't let you. I know you'd regret it."

He failed to address the one thing that worried the most. What if I had fallen in love with the boy?

"Bella, I understand. La Tua Cantante."

I began to shake with the sobs that threatened to consume me. I was betraying the love of my life and he was so calm.

"Love, please come down, we'll go hunting you'll forget about this please just get out of there."

I looked back at the boy who was smiling in his sleep. It broke my heart having to leave, he was so similar to the human me. I walked over to his bed, bent down and kissed his cheek. Before he had a chance to stir or react I was out the window and down on the front yard with Edward.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry."

I clung to his shirt and began to sob. I knew how much this was hurting him and it wasn't fair. I was the one causing him so much pain because I could not help my fatal attraction to the human boy.

He rubbed my back soothingly, holding me until I got it all out of my system. Finally he spoke once I had calmed down.

"Bella, darling look at me."

At that moment he grabbed my chin and lifted it to meet his eyes. They were still a dark onyx color but they were trying to conceal the hurt I had inflicted upon him.

"We can leave for a few days. You can clear your head and it will all work out. I promise."

He gently kissed my lips but when I had no reaction pulled away. I was consumed with so much self loathing to let myself feel loved. Edward took my hand and we dashed out into the forest for our much delayed hunting trip.

I was rather detached the whole time and I could tell it bothered Edward. He knew I was thinking of the boy and it bothered him. On the second day we tried to talk about it but it didn't go so well. I ended up sobbing near the end of it as Edward confessed that he just wanted me to be happy and do whatever I felt I needed to. The third day was almost pure hell. We were silent almost the whole time and when Edward genuinely tried to make an attempt at a conversation I shut down.

The part that hurt the worse was I knew that I was doing this to Edward and he had to suffer silently. I couldn't find enough adjectives to describe myself at the moment. If I could die I certainly deserved to after watching me destroy such a beautiful god-like man.

Finally our last day arrived. We started to make our way back to town when I suggested I should probably hunt a little more just to be safe. Edward smiled; it broke my heart even more to see it didn't reach his eyes. He told me he'd be back at the house waiting before heading off.

I began to run, letting myself feel free and finally alone. I started to slow when I smelled something distinctly familiar. I let my feet guide me to the smell, my instincts were taking over my body. I launched myself closer to the scene. I could smell fresh blood so sweet and warm.

I was halted when I saw what I found. There was the boy I had desired more than anything laying in a pool of blood. Looking up I saw his car at the top of the cliff. It looked like his car hit a tree and he flew through the windshield. I thought it was a pity for such sweet blood to be wasted.

I quickly hovered over the boy and assessed his situation. It was clear he was dead. No heart beat and no pulse. That didn't matter to me, I wanted his blood not him. I bend down and placed my lips on one of his wounds near his shoulder. It was so close to his neck it was almost like draining him if he were living.

The smallest trace amount of blood hit my lips and it was like euphoria in me. I was in such a state of rapture as I savored every amount of blood that coated my throat. It felt as if the banquet would never end but much to my dismay it did.

I stood up fully satisfied, I was on cloud nine. His blood was everything I had fantasized and so much more. It felt like a new power floating through me, like I was stronger even more invincible. I loved it.

"Bella?"

I turned around to see a very disheveled Edward standing in terror.

"Bella…how coul…"

He didn't finish his sentence before I stepped back from both the corpse and Edward. My legs gave out and I fell to the ground sobbing. Edward apprehensively walked over to me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me. I thought I should try to justify myself.

"But… I…I… I didn't, he was already."

A swell of disgust washed over me. Even though he had been dead I still shouldn't have. It was unjust to the boy and his family. How could I have done that?! I was such a monster.

"Shhh. It's going to be alright love. It's going to be alright."

"I'm such a monster."

I didn't mean to say it but it was exactly how I felt. It was the only thing that I could think of. It was like it was stuck on repeat in my head.

Edward began to rationalize my mistake.

"Love, it's okay. You're not a monster. You didn't take his life from him, he was already dead there was nothing you could have done. You gave into your primitive senses, it's not your fault. Darling, please believe me. It is not your fault, don't be disgusted with yourself. Accidents happen."

I looked into his gold eyes and knew mine did not reflect such a vivid color He was sinecre in his words and I knew I couldn't live with myself in such a self loathing environment the rest of my existence. I tried to let his words justify my mistake, it was going to be the only way I could let myself live having done that.

"Okay."

It was weak but it was the only thing I could think of. Edward kissed me fiercely and I couldn't help but kiss back. It was like he was taking my pain away, as if to say through that kiss I wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

We broke apart and he smiled another smile that didn't each his eyes. He picked me up off the ground and intertwined his hand with mine. He began walking, which turned into practically dragging me from the spot. I laid eyes on the boy one last time. He was so gorgeous, so much opportunity wasted. I hoped he was in a better place now.

I finally turned to Edward and began to run. He let me set the pace, keeping up with me with no trouble. We finally reached the front steps of the hosue. I paused and took a deep breath.

"It's okay, love."

Edward turned the knob and pushed the door open. Much to my dismay the whole family was convened in the living room. As I walked into the room everyone looked startled, no doubt product of Alice filling them in of my earlier event. I started before any of them had a chance to speak.

"I just want to be alone."

I continued walking upstairs and slammed the bathroom door to signify that I really did want to be alone. I slide against the wall and closed my eyes. My breathing quickened; I knew I had to face myself in the mirror. It was something I had to do; I knew I wouldn't be able to move on if I didn't. I unwillingly stood back up and made my way to the counter. I stopped before raising my head to prepare myself.

Finally I looked into the mirror and saw the red eyes I hadn't seen in 80 years staring back at me. This time it wasn't my blood cursing through my body it was his; my la tua cantante.


End file.
